Blogs

So, President Obama has come out in support of gay marriage on the heels on North Carolina voters passing Amendment One, which defines marriage as a union between a man and a woman—and if you have no idea what I’m talking about, please email me the directions to the rock you’ve been living under. Within seconds, Facebook lit up with praise for Obama from the LGBTQ community and scorn from Republicans…and don’t get me wrong—it was truly momentous for a sitting President to openly declare that he thinks gays and lesbians should have the same rights to marry as anyone else, and I’m glad someone over there on Pennsylvania Avenue finally did it, but what no one seems willing to admit is that all he did was state a personal opinion. His words: “…I think same-sex couples should be allowed to get married.”

Not “As of this moment, same-sex couples officially have the right to get married.”

Not “I have made it possible for same-sex couples to get legally married in every state in the Union.”

So we won’t be adding the President and Mrs. Obama to our guest list in the hopes that they’ll gift us with enough money to remodel our kitchen as their “regret only.” Thank you, Mr. President, but if it were just up to one person who, essentially, has no dog in the fight, we wouldn’t even be discussing this in 2012. Did he say it to win votes, as some people have declared? Perhaps. But how can you win the votes of the people who were going to vote for you in the first place?

My point—and I do have one—is that it is the responsibility of those of us wanting to get married to make it happen, and we have to act like people who want to not only have a wedding but to actually be married. I know of several gay couples who proudly declare “We’ve been married for ten years!” who then declare, just as unabashedly, that they spend a week every summer in Palm Springs or Fort Lauderdale because, in their words, “the boys there are so yummy, and we can take our pick!”

No, really.

I know a grand total of zero straight, married couples who spend summers in whatever heterosexual den of iniquity that may exist “taking their pick.” Do such couples exist? Surely they do, but from what I can tell, they are a minority, whereas I seem to meet more swinging gay couples than I do monogamous ones. And I used to be one of those gays. I honestly believed that I wasn’t gay enough if I weren’t running around, with or without my partner, taking my pick. I thought I had to be unfaithful and promiscuous in order to be a respectable gay man, because hey—we didn’t have the same rights as straight people, anyway, so why not? And, yes, I ran around demanding marriage equality even then. Go figure.

My other point is that we, as gays, can march around with our fists in the air, demanding that our marriages be viewed the same (that is, equal) to straight marriages, but until we make them the same, no one is going to listen to us. When what we say and what they see us do aren’t even the same, how can we expect to be taken seriously? And do we even know what we’re asking for when we ask for the same rights to marry? Do we really understand that we can’t just break up with a guy after three months, or six months, anymore for some half-ass reason just because we want to date other people? Because “breaking up” after you’re married is called “divorce,” and that requires a little more than packing your shit in a Target bag at 3 a.m. and going to stay with your BFF Ashley Amber until you can get your own place when you get paid. We all know those straight guys who sit, despondent, and complain that they lost everything in a divorce. And by “everything,” they mean everything.

Likewise, we all know those young, foolish straight couples who spent all their energy on their expensive wedding in The Bahamas and had nothing left for the actual marriage part of being married, who ended up divorced within a year. I know I don’t want to be a statistic…although, if anyone is feeling generous, I will take a wedding in The Bahamas.

But I digress…

If you’re gay and engaged, I wish you all the best in the universe, but know what it means—not just for you, but for everyone else at this moment, and for everyone who follows in your wake. We can get all the support from politicians and Hollywood that they’re willing to dispense, but in the end it’s up to us to set the proper example and show all those folks with one foot in the voting booth and the other firmly planted in the 1800s, that gay people can be married and committed just like straight people…only dressed better, and with cooler hair.

Coming out is such a pain, right? Coming out to ourselves is often hard enough, but then having to tell other people over and over and over again gets really old really fast.

If you meet someone special enough to marry, you’ll find that coming out while planning your wedding is seriously annoying.

But one of the most important considerations to think of when planning your gay wedding is: how comfortable do you feel with coming out?

Did you know that the average wedding has 43 vendors? This means that you may come out more than 100 times throughout the course of your wedding planning – to the vendors you hire and the vendors you don’t!

As you begin your planning, it’s critical to work with vendors you trust. You’ll find that many vendors will be thrilled to hear from you and will be amazingly supportive. But you may find that some vendors will assume that you’re straight, put you in a box and otherwise make you feel really awkward and sometimes, downright awful.

When you call or email a vendor or venue, come out right away! Say very explicitly “this is a gay wedding!” Don’t give them a chance to assume that if you’re a female calling, that you’re marrying a male. Trust your gut instinct. If you get a weird vibe from someone, move onto someone else.

Make sure that all staff are comfortable, not just the person cashing your check. In my experience, this is especially true with limo drivers, servers and bartenders. Don’t be afraid to ask the caterer, “Is your entire staff going to be comfortable with this wedding?”

Remember – you’re going to be spending your hard-earned dollars on this wedding.  Don’t take any chances with vendors who aren’t your ally.

I need to know something.

When did a wedding invitation become the Holy Grail to straight, white, twenty-something women? Because if I have one more straight, white, twenty-something woman I don’t know more or less invite herself to my wedding, I will not be responsible for what comes out of my mouth.

And no, I am not kidding.

This is how it usually happens: I’m out somewhere (say, a restaurant) and I run into someone I know who is there with friends, and he/she will ask me how wedding plans are going, and I’ll tell him/her about it, and the next thing I know, some chick I don’t know is in my face, shrieking, “Ohmygod! You’re getting married? Ohmygod! I think that’s SO. CUTE! Can I come?”

Um. First, who the hell are you? And second, no. Make that hell no.

To begin with, this heifer just butted into a conversation of which she was no part. Rude. Furthermore, there are people I actually know who aren’t going to make it onto the guest list, so who does she think she is? I mean, really. Who are these people?

Is there some overpowering need, coded into human female DNA through centuries of evolution, to shop for a dress and shoes that drives this behavior? I can see the Facebook status updates already: “At the mall looking for the perfect little black dress to wear to a wedding! I love my life!” Or, “Found the perfect dress, but it was green and we all know how green clashes with my spray-on tan. Why does this always happen to me?”

Do all gay couples deal with these women who, for the sake of appearing socially evolved and politically correct, need to be the guest at a gay wedding? Because that’s usually the next thing out of their mouths—right after I haven’t responded to their demand for an invitation: “I think it is SO. BRAVE. that you guys are doing this. I think everyone should have the right to marry the person they love!"

(Insert a stare of utter disbelief.)

For the record, bravery has little to do with it. We aren’t digging trenches and firing missiles at an army of Bible-thumping religious conservatives bivouacked across the street. (Although, now that I think of it, that would make for a kick-ass bachelor party!) We’re having a quiet ceremony in our backyard with a small group of our friends, and it’s more a quiet declaration of our love and commitment to one another than it is a battle cry. And yes, I am aware that the simple act of doing such a thing at all in the Fascist state of Georgia is taking a stand of sorts, but honestly… I just want to marry my boyfriend.

Meanwhile, these women and their need to be at a wedding—any wedding—completely baffle me. They even do it to straight brides-to-be. I catered a wedding shower recently and the bride-to-be told me it had happened to her more times than she could recall. Seriously? Is it a result of all the wedding and Bridezilla shows on TV these days? Like the Olympics—do people see weddings on TV and vow to attend one before they die? I really can’t think of a logical reason, but if you or someone you know is one of these women, stop it. Now. It’s not pretty, and frankly, it’s just plain weird. Go find your own gay couple and demand they invite you to their wedding. And make sure they’re giving out prescriptions for Ativan as favors.