[{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org\/","@type":"BlogPosting","@id":"https:\/\/equallywed.com\/family-meeting\/#BlogPosting","mainEntityOfPage":"https:\/\/equallywed.com\/family-meeting\/","headline":"Family Meeting","name":"Family Meeting","description":"Family MeetingHow social media has changed the face of gay-wedding planning By Candace Walsh I\u2019m what you\u2019d call a latebian: I came out to my...","datePublished":"2010-10-15","dateModified":"2021-06-21","author":{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/equallywed.com\/author\/admin\/#Person","name":"Equally Wed","url":"https:\/\/equallywed.com\/author\/admin\/","identifier":787,"image":{"@type":"ImageObject","@id":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/ca62cf123aaaf135c80b055249bacbda79de9226e11cdfcde6529bedf89683de?s=96&r=g","url":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/ca62cf123aaaf135c80b055249bacbda79de9226e11cdfcde6529bedf89683de?s=96&r=g","height":96,"width":96}},"publisher":{"@type":"Organization","name":"Equally Wed","logo":{"@type":"ImageObject","@id":"http:\/\/equallywed.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/08\/equally-wed-lgbtq-weddings-logo.jpg","url":"http:\/\/equallywed.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/08\/equally-wed-lgbtq-weddings-logo.jpg","width":218,"height":60}},"image":{"@type":"ImageObject","@id":"https:\/\/equallywed.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/family-matters-family-meeting.jpg","url":"https:\/\/equallywed.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/family-matters-family-meeting.jpg","height":280,"width":478},"url":"https:\/\/equallywed.com\/family-meeting\/","about":["Family Matters"],"wordCount":1233,"articleBody":" Family MeetingHow social media has changed the face of gay-wedding planningBy Candace WalshI\u2019m what you\u2019d call a latebian: I came out to my parents (after much agonizing) in my mid-thirties. Nobody died. And as a matter of fact, my parents were really cool about it. One of my parents did float that I might not want to do anything permanent that would preclude other opportunities (i.e., don\u2019t shout it from the rooftops, or get married, for heaven\u2019s sake). They were friendly and sweet to my partner, Laura.As a latebian, I know what straight women experience when they share their wedding plans with friends and family. They all but get a parade. I\u2019m not lying. It happened to me when I married my ex-husband in 2000. So the contrast has been quite noticeable this time around. About 3.5 family members (including a second cousin I haven\u2019t seen in 12 years) have given me sweet, awesome congratulations. The rest have been completely silent. One of the ways this has shown up has been on Facebook. I posted a photo of my wedding dress and received 18 comments from friends, two from family. Otherwise, crickets.It got me thinking: I am having a social experience I wouldn\u2019t have if Facebook didn\u2019t exist. I would still be receiving pushback about my relationship and our plans, but it wouldn\u2019t play itself out in this particular way.Social media, namely Facebook, has changed the daily interactive lives of much of the population. For gay people who have had to make more than their share of decisions about negotiating the personal and the public (Should I be out to my parents? My coworkers? My old classmates? And if so, how out?), it\u2019s been especially revolutionary.Kelli Dunham grew up in a born-again Christian family, went to Christian high school and attended a bible college, and then added a whole other layer of Catholic pals when she became a nun (that didn\u2019t last). And then, she came out.\u201cFacebook is where my closet ended,\u201d says Dunham. \u201cMy original coming-out process was not easy: My mom, when I told her, actually ripped up my birth certificate and sent it to me. When I got on Facebook and all those people started friending me, I thought \u2018Well, this is where my worlds collide.\u2019 And I\u2019ve just let them collide.\u201dAs the tides shift in the same-sex marriage debate, Facebook is a canvas upon which the issue shows up in stark relief. Exchanges now happen which would, pre-Facebook, have only occurred in Theater of the Absurd-tinged dreams.Jeffrey Ward, a D.C.-based gay man, married his husband pre-Facebook (in 2004).\u201cI grew up in Texas, and many high school friends and acquaintances still live in that state,\u201d he says. \u201cThere\u2019s a huge \u2018Don\u2019t ask, don\u2019t tell\u2019 aspect to our Facebook interactions. \u2028I had an instant-message discussion with the alpha female cheerleader from my high school class. She loves Glenn Beck and the Teabaggers. The only thing she ended up saying in support of marriage equality was, \u2018It sucks [that] you may not be able to visit your spouse in the hospital.\u2019 On the positive side, this was an acknowledgement of my relationship with my husband. On the other, the implicit message was, \u2018Marriage is still between a man and a woman.\u2019\u201dAnd for same-sex couples planning their weddings, the responsiveness of family members can either affirm and support their nearest and dearest, or dole out a hit of rejection.Jennine Estes, a marriage and family therapist in San Diego, says, \u201cBeing on social networking sites with family can create a sense of added pain when family members comment on the \u2018I ate a delicious brownie today\u2019 post, yet they ignore all the wedding planning. Any response is better than no response. When family comments only on the insignificant life posts and leaves the significant life-changing posts, they send a message that they are not supportive, and that their love is judgmental and conditional. It can feel like a punch in the stomach.\u201dHowever, it\u2019s just one of those things. We can\u2019t hide our lives from others when we\u2019re on Facebook. Haven\u2019t we hidden enough? According to a 2009 Gallup poll, straight people who don\u2019t know gay people personally are way more likely to be opposed to gay marriage. Those who know gay people are more evenly split: 49 percent feel gay marriages should be legally valid, and 47 percent think they should not be. So while it might feel uncomfortable to notice a lack of enthusiasm by family in your engagement, you may be swaying members of your high school and college diaspora in swing states which could make gay marriage a reality across the country. So Aunt Mabel doesn\u2019t approve. Big whoop.But for Kelli Dunham, Facebook has been a healing experience. \u201cLast Christmas, my mom wrote \u2018Merry Christmas to you and Cheryl\u2019 on my wall,\u201d she says. \u201cIt was the first way she ever officially acknowledged my girlfriend and me as a couple. I\u2019ve noticed that even my most conservative friends will sometimes \u2018like\u2019 when I write something sweet about my girlfriend.\u201cThere is something about reading the little things about someone\u2019s life that lets people see queer lives in a way they might not otherwise. They can get very close, virtually, without ever having to worry about \u2018catching the gay\u2019 or whatever it is they might be worried about.\u201dDr. Loren Olson, author of the upcoming book, Finally Out: Letting Go of Living Straight (January 2011) says, \u201cOne of my friends said, \u2018Our [gay] marriages are political, whether or not we choose them to be.\u2019 Presenting pictures of two men, making a lifetime commitment to each other, normalizes this experience.\u201dFacebook (along with your own brave and honest depiction of yourself) can be an agent of change, but it can also just amplify off-line life.\u201cSometimes we hope that family dynamics will change and that the use of the online connections will \u2018finally get mom to see me for me,\u2019\u201d says Jennine Estes. \u201cSad thing is that family dynamics don\u2019t change simply because we are using online networking to connect. People are people; Facebook only creates a space for family dynamics to continue to appear.But, Estes continues, if family members aren\u2019t great at communicating, or feel overwhelmed or hapless in the face of their family member\u2019s impending same-sex nuptials, \u201cThe \u2018like\u2019 button is a great way for family to express their approval.\u201dI think it made some of my nearest and dearest more comfortable to think that this was a phase. That I was running off to a soft-focus, Sapphic land of cuddles and flannel pajamas, and would eventually emerge, healed, as if from a sanatorium, and float into the arms of a man. But instead, the love of my life put a ring on it. And we are getting hitched. This is, after all, my (not anyone else\u2019s) happily ever after.Candace Walsh is the co-editor, with her fianc\u00e9e Laura Andre, of the upcoming anthology, Dear John, I Love Jane: Women Write About Leaving Men for Women (Seal Press, November 2010) and the editor of Ask Me About My Divorce: Women Open Up About Moving On (Seal Press, June 2009). She blogs at www.mothering.com\/candacewalsh.\u00a0\u00a0"},{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org\/","@type":"BreadcrumbList","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Family Meeting","item":"https:\/\/equallywed.com\/family-meeting\/#breadcrumbitem"}]}]