[{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org\/","@type":"BlogPosting","@id":"https:\/\/equallywed.com\/planning-a-wedding-with-homophobia-in-the-family\/#BlogPosting","mainEntityOfPage":"https:\/\/equallywed.com\/planning-a-wedding-with-homophobia-in-the-family\/","headline":"Planning a Wedding With Homophobia in the Family","name":"Planning a Wedding With Homophobia in the Family","description":"Q My older brother and I have been at odds since my coming out. The rest of my family has been mostly supportive, especially my...","datePublished":"2012-11-12","dateModified":"2021-06-30","author":{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/equallywed.com\/author\/admin\/#Person","name":"Equally Wed","url":"https:\/\/equallywed.com\/author\/admin\/","identifier":787,"image":{"@type":"ImageObject","@id":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/ca62cf123aaaf135c80b055249bacbda79de9226e11cdfcde6529bedf89683de?s=96&r=g","url":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/ca62cf123aaaf135c80b055249bacbda79de9226e11cdfcde6529bedf89683de?s=96&r=g","height":96,"width":96}},"publisher":{"@type":"Organization","name":"Equally Wed","logo":{"@type":"ImageObject","@id":"http:\/\/equallywed.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/08\/equally-wed-lgbtq-weddings-logo.jpg","url":"http:\/\/equallywed.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/08\/equally-wed-lgbtq-weddings-logo.jpg","width":218,"height":60}},"image":{"@type":"ImageObject","@id":"http:\/\/equallywed.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/08\/equally-wed-lgbtq-weddings-logo.jpg","url":"http:\/\/equallywed.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/08\/equally-wed-lgbtq-weddings-logo.jpg","width":218,"height":60},"url":"https:\/\/equallywed.com\/planning-a-wedding-with-homophobia-in-the-family\/","about":["Ask Kirsten"],"wordCount":756,"articleBody":"Q My older brother and I have been at odds since my   coming out. The rest of my family has been mostly supportive, especially my   little sister. Our brother recently got engaged, and it took some prodding   from my mother for me to congratulate him considering less than a month   before he proposed, he likened me to a pedophile and somebody who practices   bestiality. I had a hard time helping my mother understand why I was not   excited for the wedding. She convinced me that although I was hurt by what he   said, it was still the right thing to express congratulations. So I did. I   began to calm down about the whole thing and actually felt a bit excited   about their marriage and stupid for getting upset about it in the first   place. Then my sister informed me that our brother wouldn\u2019t allow her to   bring her best friend to their wedding as her date because he is gay. When   she told me, the anger and hurt from the earlier name calling and arguing   returned. I\u2019m not sure what to. Do I attend the wedding of somebody who is   clearly unsupportive of me and would not reciprocate the favor? Or do I stand   up for what I believe in and respectfully decline the invitation? If I choose   not to attend, the rest of my family would be very upset and would accuse me   of being childish and making mountains out of molehills. When speaking to my   mother about it all, she made a good point; the wedding is not for another 14   months and there is time to iron things out. However, I don\u2019t feel that this   is something to be negotiated over with deals made back and forth to appease   each side. Any advice would be helpful.A What a   heartbreaking story! I\u2019m so sorry you\u2019ve had to endure such discrimination   within your own family. Even the supportive straight members of your family   don\u2019t seem to recognize that by forgiving your brother\u2019s behavior (or   completely ignoring it), they\u2019re condoning it and saying it\u2019s OK. But it\u2019s   not OK, is it? Fourteen months is a long time to sort through your feelings with your   brother, so I don\u2019t think it\u2019s time to announce your plans to not attend his   wedding. Rather, I think it\u2019s time you either make a phone call to him if   you\u2019re feeling bold or sit down to write a lengthy letter about how you\u2019re   feeling. Personally, I like letters so the recipient can\u2019t interrupt you.   Start from the beginning. Tell him everything about how it\u2019s been growing up   gay and how you\u2019ve felt along the way. Talk to him about the struggles you\u2019ve   encountered, but also the joys you\u2019ve felt when you\u2019ve found love\u2014just as   he\u2019s found love now. Be as open and honest as you can without showing your   anger. When talking about actions he\u2019s taken, start out with \u201cI feel\u201d instead   of \u201cYou did this.\u201d At the end of your letter, ask if he\u2019d be willing to set   some time aside to talk to you about his feelings. Give him the opportunity   to show you how he can be a better man before writing him off completely. Also take into consideration that his animosity toward you and your sexuality   might be stemming from his soon-to-be wife\u2019s point of view on homosexuality. A very similar situation happened to me 10 years ago. My brother and his   pregnant wife told me they didn\u2019t want me to bring my girlfriend around their   son once he was born. An e-mail war ensued including him telling me that   homosexuality was akin to bestiality. It ended when I told him he was no   longer my brother. Nearly a year passed without us speaking. And then I sent   him a note to tell him that I missed him. From there, we began to heal. He   finally divorced that religious zealot, and we\u2019re so close now. In fact, he   walked me down the aisle last year at my \u00fcber-gay wedding. Don\u2019t give up faith just yet!\u00a0Kirsten Ott Palladino is the co-founder and   editor in chief of Equally Wed, the   nation\u2019s leading gay and lesbian wedding and honeymoon magazine. Follow her on Twitter. Connect with her on Facebook. Write her with your gay wedding questions. If she can’t answer it, she’ll   find another expert who can!"},{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org\/","@type":"BreadcrumbList","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Planning a Wedding With Homophobia in the Family","item":"https:\/\/equallywed.com\/planning-a-wedding-with-homophobia-in-the-family\/#breadcrumbitem"}]}]