[{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org\/","@type":"BlogPosting","@id":"https:\/\/equallywed.com\/why-we-chose-an-anonymous-sperm-donor-to-start-a-family\/#BlogPosting","mainEntityOfPage":"https:\/\/equallywed.com\/why-we-chose-an-anonymous-sperm-donor-to-start-a-family\/","headline":"Why we chose an anonymous sperm donor to start a family","name":"Why we chose an anonymous sperm donor to start a family","description":"One mother explains why she and her wife chose to use an anonymous sperm donor in starting their family.","datePublished":"2019-07-17","dateModified":"2019-07-17","author":{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/equallywed.com\/author\/christinabailey\/#Person","name":"Christina (Babybaileymamadrama)","url":"https:\/\/equallywed.com\/author\/christinabailey\/","identifier":6739,"image":{"@type":"ImageObject","@id":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/2b3b068f8a55ba24989ef7c6b65bd8e99dfdad1cf71edc2894ae5361af651dd4?s=96&r=g","url":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/2b3b068f8a55ba24989ef7c6b65bd8e99dfdad1cf71edc2894ae5361af651dd4?s=96&r=g","height":96,"width":96}},"publisher":{"@type":"Organization","name":"Equally Wed","logo":{"@type":"ImageObject","@id":"http:\/\/equallywed.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/08\/equally-wed-lgbtq-weddings-logo.jpg","url":"http:\/\/equallywed.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/08\/equally-wed-lgbtq-weddings-logo.jpg","width":218,"height":60}},"image":{"@type":"ImageObject","@id":"https:\/\/equallywed.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/07\/65848172_839094736490951_1983090484947632093_n.jpg","url":"https:\/\/equallywed.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/07\/65848172_839094736490951_1983090484947632093_n.jpg","height":614,"width":816},"url":"https:\/\/equallywed.com\/why-we-chose-an-anonymous-sperm-donor-to-start-a-family\/","about":["Family"],"wordCount":1210,"keywords":["anonymous sperm donor","family","family planning","IVF","lesbian moms","LGBTQ family","reciprocal IVF","sperm donor"],"articleBody":"Creating a family as an LGBTQ+ person is anything but easy. There are so many decisions to be made: IUI, IVF, reciprocal IVF, adoption, embryo adoption, surrogate, fostering and the list goes on. Finding out which way is the best for you is a huge decision; Katie and I always knew we wanted to do reciprocal IVF.\u00a0With reciprocal IVF, there are still many more decisions to be made. Who would carry, whose eggs would we use, who would be the sperm donor? Katie always wanted to be pregnant while I always wanted kids but didn\u2019t mind if I was ever pregnant.\u00a0It was an easy decision for us. Katie would carry my egg, fertilized by donor sperm and hopefully nine months later a little baby would be born.\u00a0This was the plan put in place and our fertility journey began.\u00a0Fast forward and we had already begun shots and estrogen patches. We started looking for a sperm donor. When we first started talking about reciprocal IVF, we thought we might use a friend for a sperm donor. However, after we learned more about the process, we decided to go with a donor from a sperm bank. Sperm from a cryobank is already thoroughly tested. When it came to picking a donor, we didn\u2019t realize that both the person donating the sperm as well as the egg needs to be tested for many things. We learned that if we used sperm from a friend, they would need to go through blood tests, physiological tests and more. We also didn\u2019t realize the stress it might have on our friendship if our friend\u2019s sperm didn\u2019t work and it was the reason our eggs didn\u2019t fertilize. We weren\u2019t sure if it would change our friendship.\u00a0If everything worked out, would our friend feel like the child was his and we would feel obligated to have him be called the \u201cfather\u201d rather than the \u201cdonor?\u201d There were just too many things to think about and we were already overwhelmed with the process of reciprocal IVF.\u00a0 In the end, we decided to go to a cryobank, but how do you choose one?https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/p\/BzvXrhhnbvC\/We asked our clinic which cryobanks they recommended. They gave us the name of two but said any cryobank would work. It blew our minds that we could just go and buy sperm off the internet. You can literally buy anything off the internet these days. We had many stereotypes in mind when it came to sperm donors. One was that we would actually go to a cryobank and they would put up my baby picture with the donors on a TV screen and mesh them together to show what our baby would look like. Does anyone else think about the movie Baby Mama during this process? Finding a sperm donor is nothing like the movies. Going online wasn\u2019t what we had imagined but we were told that is how it is done. Once you order, the sperm is mailed to the clinic and they handle it from there.We went online and began our search. We learned that not many cryobanks have baby and adult pictures available. We did find one that had both pictures available and wow, there is a huge change some boys undergo when they go from child to adult. We wanted as much information about the man who would play a genetic role in our children\u2019s lives as possible, so having both pictures was important to us. We even used facial recognition to help us pick a donor. We used a picture of Katie\u2019s face and put it into the search engine of the cryobank\u2019s website. From there, it generated results of men who have similar facial traits to Katie.\u00a0This didn’t mean all the men looked exactly like Katie and there were some who were closer to her physical traits than others. We felt it was worth it to buy an all-access pass rather than pay to look at each guy\u2019s photos; with an all-access pass, we could click on any profile and see the photos.https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/p\/Bz3FRIHH4x_\/We tried our best to find someone who had similar interests on their profile as Katie did but in the end, it was hard enough just finding someone who had some characteristics similar to Katie.\u00a0Once we found someone, we looked at their interests and were happy to see similarities like music\u2014Katie studied music. We imagined that when we went on this website, every guy would be in a suit and a tie. What we found was the opposite. Watching Baby Mama really set us up for failure. In the end, we found someone who we thought would be perfect for the other half of genetics in our children.By the time we found someone, we didn\u2019t even look at the available option for contact when our children turn 18 until it was about time to place our order. The one that we chose didn\u2019t have that option: He was anonymous. The contact information they give to a child when they turn 18 is the last contact the donor left with the cryobank. Does this guarantee the donor will have the same contact they left when your child goes to contact them? No.\u00a0Does it guarantee the donor will talk to your children? No. It would have been nice to have that option for our children but our donor didn\u2019t have that on there. We aren\u2019t against having our children meet the donor but it won\u2019t be a choice they get to make, unfortunately.We are beyond thankful for sperm donors. Because of them, we were able to have children. Our daughters would not be here without our sperm donors. We had to through picking a sperm donor twice since our first round of IVF was unsuccessful and I think I know more about sperm than I can care to ever know. Picking a sperm donor online is a very lengthy process.\u00a0 The person you pick will be responsible for 50 percent of the genetics in your future children. That\u2019s a lot of stress! It\u2019s hard to pick just the right one.\u00a0Is a sperm donor a father? In my opinion, no. He will not be raising our children with us. He will not be another parent to our kids. Our children will only know what was available on his profile and he will be called, \u201ca donor.\u201d This isn\u2019t a bad thing. We chose an anonymous donor because that was what is what was best for our family.\u00a0 It doesn\u2019t mean this is for everyone. Remember that there are many options for creating a family and the donor is another option. How you choose this piece of creating your family is entirely up to you and your partner. We are a girl meets girl love story! We fell in love, got married and we now have two children via reciprocal IVF. We love to travel and show our kids as much of the world as possible. You can find Christina and Katie on Instagram and YouTube."},{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org\/","@type":"BreadcrumbList","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Why we chose an anonymous sperm donor to start a family","item":"https:\/\/equallywed.com\/why-we-chose-an-anonymous-sperm-donor-to-start-a-family\/#breadcrumbitem"}]}]